Dead loss.

Bondage Bunny
By Jan Chipchase

So, I'm totally shite at blogging every day. (As per NanoBloggoThingo.) If there's one thing I've learned about myself in my 21 years, it's that I don't particularly like being (a) told what to do, or (b) made to do something I don't feel comfortable with. (It may of course be that I'm also quite good at making excuses.)

(a) In searching for answers which are tricky to recall thanks to all my repressed memories, I must fall back on Sibling Rivalry for understanding. I'm not blaming my big sister for this. Hell knows, I have a lot of barnacles that I need to pop off around my relationship with her, BUT, she did tell me what to do A LOT and in a fairly manipulative way. This made me seethe, although not in a way that I felt I was able to confront her with. Probably more than is healthy.

(b) I have a few memories of childhood where I was in the car - or just out of it - and with mum about to be sent away on something, often related to being around people I didn't know very well for extended periods:
  • My First Grandparent Looking-After-Me Time - Poor grandma. I've mentioned this before, but, I still attempt to imagine what she must have felt like when she saw me (her angel) grabbing for the door frame with tear-stained cheeks, howling at the prospect of being removed from what? Mum? Comfort? Things I recognise? ?
  • My First Day Of School - I cried all the way to the bank. Mum had to stay in the classroom until about lunch time
  • Ski Camp, Year 10 - I sort of had a crush a Mr. Beale, the not-very-hot-now-that-I-think-about-it science teacher. As I filled myself with fear on the car ride to school on the day we had to leave, I don't even know what I was so nervous about, apart from the NOT KNOWING. I remember I took a seat on my own on the bus for the drive to Victoria - hours long - and Mr. Beale sat down next to me. At least for a bit. Turned out OK in the end, although I was totally SHIT at skiing.
  • Therapy, Age 19 or so, instigated by the above - "You can choose to go through life wearing a seatbelt, or you can choose to take it off."