COVID-19 Journal: Day 32

There was a single ant on me when I was doing yoga this morning. Instead of focussing my mind on breath and balance, I followed its trail. I enjoyed the sensation. I don't know where it ended up. I enjoyed less the sensation of seeing a few ants on my kitchen counter when I went up to make breakfast, but, they haven't stuck around, so that's OK.

Today I've had the fortune to be thinking about two things: "safety fragility" and the first government grant I've ever received.

I'll probably sound like a wanker when I say that I'm feeling odd because there's no tragedy in my immediate vicinity. There are several friends who have had the virus and survived, and another degree out of people who have struggled or died or are struggling with it. I wonder if the numbness many of us learned to news and information Before Pandemic is still with us. I spoke with Katherine yesterday who said that her friend the ICU nurse repeatedly said DON'T FUCK AROUND with it. I believe nurses. Always. Nurse Jackie is one of my favourite shows. I won't fuck with it, but, also, these evenings are getting really nice and I am most disjointed at this time. I love meeting with friends before the twilight for a drink and a catch-up, and hitting that rad crepuscular wave.

The fragility part comes because I'm safe and warm and fed. You don't seek collision exactly, but sometimes you wish for it because it helps you know where the edges are. You don't look for videos of ICU wards and you're suddenly shocked if you see a ward full of people on their fronts with bruised faces who look like shells. The growing charts and numbers and graphs stop being meaningful or painful. I know how hard it is to make data emotive, even when there are huge numbers of deaths involved.

I'd been taking screenshots of the Johns Hopkins growing numbers: confirmed cases, deaths, countries, but I've stopped this week. I'm sending a card to a friend who's in trouble, and calling other people to say hi. (Call me?!)

Should I volunteer? Not necessarily. Volunteers, even clever well-meaning ones, can clog up working systems. But, I am on call with the local volunteer group for support within a mile of my house, and very happy to help if called upon.

Speaking of help, today my company was granted £10k by the government. It's unconditional and automatic, based simply on the square footage of our office. It's a massive relief, because the company is very fragile (no capital or savings etc). It's the lack of application or competition that taken me aback. The unconditionalness. My own financial setup is also quite fragile (as I've learned!). My landlord has offered me a discount if I do some proper garden wrangling out the back so that'll be good too.

Now I have to shake off the feeling that what I'm doing is frippery and get on with it.